小编的话：这里很多家长都是为了孩子的教育而选择了移居美国。在加州湾区这个遍地是精英的地方，如何能让孩子们开心而又出色的成长，是每个湾区的华人家长所关心的共同话题。本周不谈房市不谈投资，针对11月4日刚刚发生在斯坦福大学边著名高中Gunn High的高中生卧轨事件，转载一篇《菁kids》杂志上的及时好文，与各位家长共享。
“只要你学习好，老师就会喜欢你，小朋友也会喜欢你，大家都会喜欢你。”不仅国内妈妈们经常对孩子这样讲，在美国华人家庭，也会听到类似的话。
美国加州的Palo Alto帕罗奥多是众所周知的硅谷发源地，也是世界闻名的斯坦福大学所在地，距离高科技公司谷歌、Facebook，惠普、很多著名风险投资以及法律事务机构都只有十来分钟车程，不少知名行业人士安家于此。小城有一百多年历史，气候怡人，四季花开，到处是花园、公园、孩子游乐场、图书馆，还有自然保护区和一个迷你动物园。人口6万左右，却有近30座中小学校，而且全部在美国学校评鉴中达到9或10分。
其中， Henry M.Gunn High 和Palo Alto High两所高中更是享有盛誉，NBA明星林书豪就毕业于Palo Alto High。然而，令人痛心的是，最近几年，连续发生了几起高中学生由于忧郁症自杀的消息。就在上周，2014年11月4日凌晨，16岁的Gunn High学生Cameron Lee在附近的铁路上卧轨，整个社区又笼罩在哀痛之中，网上线下也引发了热烈讨论。
在众多的痛心、检讨和指责中，一封Cameron的同学写给家长的公开信深深地打动了大家。这里转发翻译稿，同时附上原文，希望引起各位家长的思考。
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各位家长你们好，
希望这段时间，你们能够和孩子紧紧靠在一起，努力过好每一天。很难想象，作为一位家长，你们在这个令人惊惧和崩溃的时候如何感受。妈妈和我分享了在电子邮件上的所有讨论。我完全能理解你们的观点及其来源。但是在这里，我想试图把大家的沮丧情绪转移一下，也希望由此能提供一些情绪上的安慰。
你们可能不知道的是，昨天在学校，老师们是如何帮助所有学生的。就我个人来讲，Lee一家是我们的邻居，也是好朋友，Cameron的去世对我影响很大。学校安排了不少咨询顾问从各个方面来帮助我们。孩子们可以不上课或者回家，可以自由选择，做些能真正帮助他们情绪的事情。大多数老师取消上课。在Cameron曾经和我一起听过的英文课上，老师安排了一个特别的活动，他让大家为彼此写下赞扬的话，整个过程非常动人。所有人都受到了震撼，每一个人都在尽力给大家更多的帮助和支持。
我讲这些是为了提醒你们，在悲痛中，找一个替罪羊是可以理解的。但是，我认为，把发生的一切怪罪到学校和校长身上很不公平。在 Gunn High 学校我们确实感到压力很大，但是，善良的Dr. Hermann在学校里推动了很多令人鼓舞的改革，不应该怪罪他。其实没有人应该为此承担责任。这里有很多原因，但是我们每个人都应该利用这个机会反思一下自己。在GunnHigh，这么多人感觉压力大，并不是因为学校，而是我们这个社区的环境造成的。孩子们要上太多的高级课程，同时还要与课外才艺活动和睡觉时间平衡。全美国的学生们都要参加很多考试，但与大多数地区不同的是，我们这个社区，为了达到“完美”而给自己加上了令人难以承受的压力，我们一直就在这种压力中挣扎着。
在昨天的讨论中，我们试图解剖这个社区特点。我的结论是：家长们想让孩子比自己小时候更加成功，这当然是发自于你们对孩子的爱。不幸的是，在我们这个社区，具有超人才智的成功人士随处可见，这种“更加成功”的要求就变得非常难以达到。这种不可能的高标准引起的连锁反应是，孩子们觉得，如果讲出自己的困惑，说出在家里关上门后遇到的问题，那就打破了“完美”。我们以为，完美的人是不会忧郁的。
带有讽刺意味的是，在一个没有如此优越的社区里，人们会觉得有问题有负担是正常的，而对于幸运的能住到这个美好社区的我们，却不能这么想。这很令人难过，但是也很真实。也许，这是一个启示，意味着我们需要创造一个更加正面的社区文化，这个文化将能够接受失败，甚至为失败者喝彩。这个道理已经讲过一百万次了，但好像在家长孩子们中间没有产生什么效果。
我们必须提醒自己，时刻关注什么是生活中最重要的，并真正身体力行地提倡失败是允许的，是受到鼓励的。在学校里，我们不能把得了一个B当成世界末日。我们必须创造一个环境，让所有孩子的成长都能得到老师的关注和支持。在家里，你们必须与孩子交流，亲身示范给孩子看，有情绪或者失败是完全正常的。我们要一起努力，去除这个社区里忧郁情绪的那些主要来源。所有人都需要参与，否则，我们做的一切将又只是触及皮毛而已。
我知道，和怪罪他人比起来，改变一种文化显得非常困难。但是很多时候，做对的事情就是不容易的。祝你们的努力成功，我希望整个社区一起来做出改变。
Hayley Krolik， Gunn High11年级学生
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原文：
Hi parents,
Hope you all are doing as well aspossible and holding your children close; I can't imagine how horrifying andstressful this must feel as a parent. My mom was showing me all the emails andI completely understand where you're coming from. However, I'd like to offersome words of comfort and redirect some of the frustration going around.
You have no ideahow supportive the faculty was yesterday. I guess I can only speak for myself,but as the Lees were neighbors and close friends of my family, I was affectedby Cameron's death and I know that there were counselors around every corner tohelp me. Kids were allowed to go home and skip class and really do whateverthey needed. Most teachers did not teach class, and in my English class(Cameron's class as well), we did an amazing and beautiful activity of writingpositive notes to each other that my teacher planned. Everyone was affected bythis tragedy, and everyone was as supportive of each other as possible.
I told you all of this to remindyou that it is understandable, in grief, to find an external scapegoat for theproblem. However, I think it is not fair to blame the school and principal,etc, for what has happened. Gunn is stressful, yes. But people like Dr.Hermann, who has been such a kind and promising change agent at our school, arenot to blame. No one is to blame, and there are so many factors, but Iencourage you all to take this opportunity for self reflection. It is not theschool, but the atmosphere our community has created that makes the stress atGunn so prevalent. Kids are taking so many advanced classes while trying tobalance extracurriculars and even sleep.. Everyone across the country has manytests, but our community still seems to struggle from an overwhelming amount ofpressure that is different than most others: the pressure to achieveperfection.
In a conversation I hadyesterday, we tried to decipher this stigma. My thoughts come down to this:parents want their kids to succeed more than they did themselves as a child,because of course, you love your children. Unfortunately, in a community likeours that is filled with such successful and talented people, this is askingtoo much. This impossible standard causes a ripple effect, making kids feel asif they cannot talk about the problems that exist behind the closed doors of ahome or even their minds because weakness does not fit into perfection. Perfectpeople are not depressed, we think. Even though we are blessed to be a part ofa privileged community, the twisted blessing of a less fortunate community isthat carrying baggage is seen as normal. A sad, but true theme in society.Maybe this is a sign that we need to start creating a more positive culturewhere failure is celebrated. We've said this a million times, but it stilldoesn't seem to work—not only for the parents, but between the kids as well.
We must all watch ourselves andensure that we are embodying what really matters and actually implementing thestructures that promote failure as acceptable and reward effort over accuracy.At school, we cannot view Bs as the end of the world, and we must create anenvironment where all kids feel supported by teachers to grow. At home, youmust check in with your kids, and role model for them that it is okay to feeland to fail. We all have to work together to eliminate the largely contributingfactors to depression in this area. Everyone has to be involved or the effectof our work will only scratch the surface.
I know it's muchharder to change a culture than blame something, but sometimes what's rightisn't easy. Good luck to you all with your task force! I hope that we cantogether, as a community, make change.
--HayleyKrolik
当地新闻稿链接
http://www.paloaltoonline.com/news/2014/11/04/palo-alto-teen-killed-on-tracks-tuesday
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