不要同咆哮的人交往和结婚(中英文),纯爱新西兰微信公众号文章

不要同咆哮的人交往和结婚（中英文）

来源: 　时间: 2013年12月02日　

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This month's court decision in the Li Yang domestic abuse divorce case has caused me to reflect back to what was the most troubled and confusing relationship of my own life.
While the abuse in my case was never as severe as what Li Yang's wife faced, still my relationship forced me to deeply question to what lengths I would allow myself to be mistreated.

I've never publicly spoken or written about that relationship as it's such a personal matter. But if my story can help one person get out of a dangerous situation, I'm willing to share it.

Understanding abuse

When we think of abuse, we often think of those horrible news stories and Weibo photos of women who've been physically disfigured by abuse.

But not all abuse is physical. While women are more commonly the victims of abuse, men also are often victims- especially of emotional abuse. And emotional abuse can be just as destructive, and even more confusing to understand.

It's confusing because often the hardest step in getting away from abuse is recognizing when a relationship is abusive. After all, you can't address a problem you don't know is there. That's why it's so useful that in his book The New Rules of Marriage, best-selling author and psychologist Dr. Terrence Real defines abuse:

o Yelling and screaming

o Name-calling: Any sentence that begins with 'You are a...'

o Shaming or humiliating: Communicating that someone is a bad or worthless person. Ridiculing someone, mocking, being sarcastic, humoring or being patronizing.

o Telling another adult what she should do, or how she should think or feel.

o Making promises and breaking them.

o Lying or manipulating: Deliberately falsifying information or dishonestly changing your behavior in an attempt to control your partner, for example: 'Don't worry about me. I'll be fine out here in the rain. You go have a good time.'

When I read this definition, my first reaction was:

These behaviors are abuse?

But they happen all the time!

But then I thought: he's right.

The behaviors he outlines are warning signs that a physically abusive relationship may develop. And, in and of themselves, they ARE abuse.

Abuse has no place in a healthy relationship

According to the experts, if when you are with your partner, you feel you have to walk on eggshells - constantly watching what you or other people say - in order to avoid a blowup, that's a good sign your relationship is abusive.

Abuse has no place in a healthy relationship. Not even a little place.

The question people always ask about those who stay in abusive relationships is: Why doesn't she - or he - just leave?

Well, that's a complicated question, maybe one that only someone who's been in that situation can fully answer.

Now you may not think of me as the type of person who would get stuck in an abusive relationship. After all, I'm pretty empowered. I've had a top-notch education and a global career.

But I once dated an abuser.

He didn't look like an abuser

At first, he seemed to be everything you'd want in a boyfriend: smart, funny, charming, good-looking, well-respected in his profession.

But he had a problem with anger-management.

Anytime he felt slighted or disrespected, he would lash out furiously. He never hit me, but he yelled and screamed and recriminated, saying horrible things about me and others.

Nearly always the provocations were minor. But his screaming tirades lasted for hours, leaving me in tears, and us both exhausted. Few people other than me saw these episodes, because he was painfully conscious of appearances.

He seemed to be hardest on my family and friends. He came up with grievances against them, one by one. And citing those grievances, he started distancing us from them. I started getting isolated from the people I needed most.

Looking back, it seems entirely obvious: I should have walked away early on.

But once I did start dating him, suddenly it seemed hard to get out.

I stayed because, when he wasn't screaming, he was funny, and sweet, and good to me. He was good at apologies, and he always promised it wouldn't happen again. And I'm an optimist. I believed things would get better.

I stayed because I thought that if you love someone, you should take the good with the bad. After all, I wasn't perfect either, and isn't growing up learning to accept life as it is?

I stayed because at those times when the rest of the world didn't understand him, he said he needed me. And I thought I could help him.

I stayed because change is scary, and the prospect of being alone was scary. It felt too hard to climb out. And I was tired. I didn't want to start all over again, venturing out into the unknown.

I stayed because I lacked the courage to listen to my own heart. In a world which sometimes seems cold and brutal, at least I had someone to hold me.

Abusers don't look like evil bad guys

What makes abuse so confusing is that most abusers are not like the evil bad guys we see in the movies. Abusers are human too, which means that at times they can be warm and generous.

Abusers often don't even know they're being abusive. In their minds, it's they who are the victims, misunderstood and under attack, and their abusive behavior is simply a response to a provocation.

But just because abusers don't recognize their behavior as abusive does not make their abusive behavior any less dangerous to those who try to love them.

In my case, finally, I left .

I left because finally, I realized that even as our relationship was destructive to me, it wasn't even really helping him.

By staying, I was actually reinforcing and enabling his abusive behavior. Because he needed to acknowledge that the problem wasn't with anyone around him, but within his own self. He didn't need me. He needed professional treatment.

Looking back, I was lucky. The relationship lasted less than a year, and the level of abuse that I endured was much less intense than what other victims face.

Because we never got married and never lived together, our times together were separated by days when I retreated back to my own life and had time and space to think over the situation.

After struggling for months with my decision, I left. Leaving brought me a huge sense of relief and even of empowerment, a feeling that I was taking charge of my own life, and deciding how I need to be treated instead of letting someone else decide that for me.

Leaving also allowed me later to meet Mr. Wonderful, and with him to build a loving, stable family environment for our kids.

My situation ended happily, but many abuse situations end tragically. The damage brought about by abuse can be severe and long-lasting. An abusive relationship can destroy your self-worth and make you feel helpless and alone. And all this can lead to depression.

No one deserves to endure this kind of pain.

How can we protect ourselves and our family and friends from the scourge of abuse?

If you're single...

If you're single, here's what I propose as a simple and easy-to-remember rule: Don't date or marry a screamer.

If you're dating someone and you start to notice screaming or any of the other behaviors in the definition of abuse, then firmly speak with your partner about the situation. If the abuse does not immediately stop, then walk away.

If someday you want to be a parent, remember that you are headhunting for a role model for your future children. Because, as I'm reminded every day, kids learn by our example, good and bad. It's up to parents to show kids to how to be a mature adult.

If you're dating someone who says his abusive behavior is normal because that's how his parents related to each other, or that he's just responding to other people, that tells you that he needs to grow up before dating you or anyone else.

Because the process of growing up is the process of learning to take full responsibility for our own thoughts and actions. And there is no excuse for abuse.

Abusers lack the emotional skills necessary to have functional relationships. We can have compassion for them, but there is absolutely no reason why you should spend your life tied to an abusive partner. Being a nice person does not require you to use up your life playing nurse to an abuser.

There are plenty of good men and women in this world who do not perpetrate or condone abuse. Find one of them to love.

If your family is experiencing abuse ...

If you're married, and your spouse exhibits abusive behaviors (or you yourself exhibit abusive behaviors), seek help right away, for your sake and the sake of your family.

When we ignore or cover up abuse, it does not go away. It escalates. And abuse has cascading impacts on future generations, because children who grow up witnessing abuse have a strong chance of perpetrating abuse as adults.

Acknowledging the problem and seeking help doesn't mean you've failed as a woman or a man or a wife or husband. You are not to blame and you are not weak.

Reach out and talk to a friend or family member you can trust, and seek professional help. China's nationwide abuse hotline is run by the Maple Women's Psychological Counseling Center and is available here.

You can and must demand that your family be healthy. That is a basic demand. Your children deserve a family life which is joyous and warm and stable and free of abuse. That's something that you deserve too.

If you suspect that someone near you is being abused ...

If you suspect that someone you care about is being abused, let him or her know that you're concerned. Identify the things you've noticed that worry you, and tell him or her that you're there to talk confidentially anytime he or she feels ready. Offer to help with any needs such as finding a safe place to go when abuse does occur.

You may hesitate to get involved. Maybe you think that it's none of your business, or that you may be wrong, or that he or she may not want to talk about it. But remember that abuse victims often feel confused and conflicted, and that, while they need help to get out, often they've been isolated from their family and friends.

You may just be the person he or she needs to get out of an abusive situation and begin healing.

Whether abuse is a part of Chinese culture is up to us now

Of all the news that's been spilling out over the past 18 months from the Li Yang abuse case, the one quote that's stuck with me was from Li Yang himself. In justifying his abusive behavior, Li Yang said that abuse is just a normal of Chinese culture.

Our society contains too many families ripped apart by abuse. Perhaps today some people consider this situation to be normal.

Let us resolve to not live in a society governed by abuse.

Abuse thrives on silence, and the only way we can rid ourselves of this scourge is to break the silence and speak out when we see it.

Recently I was chatting with Maple Women's Psychological Counseling Center director Yao Yue, and she said that after 20 years of supporting abuse victims, they've concluded that we must be zero-tolerance from the first occurrence of domestic abuse.

And that the answer to the problem of abuse is love. We must love our selves enough to say abuse is never OK. Not for us, not for our sisters, our brothers, our friends, our parents, our children, nor for our children's children.

If together we all link arms to say no to abuse, then in one generation's time, no one ever again will be able to say that abuse is a normal part of Chinese culture.

Because now, we're all making culture. And it's up to each of us to ensure that the culture we create is based on dignity and mutual respect for everyone.

*This column was originally written by the author in English. Hear the author read this English column aloud by clicking here. To read this column in Chinese, click on the red button above. For more information on dealing with abuse, please visit the Maple Women's Psychological Counseling Center website here.

Joy Chen is a Chinese-American former Deputy Mayor of Los Angeles and author of the best-seller 'Do Not Marry Before Age 30.' She also is a wife and mother of two young daughters.

本月宣判的李阳家暴离婚案让我想起了自己生活中最烦恼、最困惑的一段感情。

尽管我当时受到的伤害绝没有李阳妻子遭遇的那么严重，然而，我的经历仍让我陷入了深思──我到底能忍耐自己被虐待多久？

我从来没有公开讲述过或写过那段感情，因为这完全是一件私事。但是如果我的故事能够帮助哪怕一个人脱离这种危险的境遇，我愿意和大家分享这段往事。

了解虐待

当我们提到虐待的时候，我们往往会联想起关于那些被打得鼻青脸肿的女性的可怕新闻报道和微博图片。

然而，并不是所有的虐待都是身体上的。而且，虽然女性更经常成为虐待的受害者，但男性也常常是受害者──特别是精神虐待（emotional abuse）的受害者。精神虐待可能带来同样的破坏性，甚至更令人费解。

精神虐待令人费解是因为在摆脱虐待的过程中，最困难的一步就是识别它。毕竟，对尚未意识到的问题，你无从下手。心理学家特伦斯•里尔博士(Terrence Real)在其畅销书《婚姻新规则》(The New Rules of Marriage)中对虐待行为做出了如下定义：

（1）呼来喝去，大吼大叫。

（2）恶言相向，说任何以“你这个……”开头的句子。

（3）羞辱或侮辱，说别人品行恶劣或一无是处。嘲笑、讥讽、挖苦别人、乱开玩笑或自视过高。

（4）对另一位成年人指手画脚，告诉她该怎么做、怎么想或作何感受。

（5）信誓旦旦，却言而无信。

（6）撒谎或摆布别人：故意歪曲事实或者欺骗性地改变行事方法，以达到控制伴侣的目的。诸如：“别担心我。我淋着雨也没关系。去吧，你玩得开心点。”

当我读到上述定义的时候，我的第一反应是：

难道这些行为都算得上虐待？

这些都稀松平常啊！

不过，我随后意识到，里尔博士是正确的。

他列举的上述行为都是将来可能出现身体虐待的预警信号。并且，这些行为本身就是虐待行为。

虐待在健康的感情中没有容身之地

专家们认为，当你和伴侣同处一室时，如果你发现自己不得不谨小慎微──始终小心翼翼地关注自己和别人的言谈举止──以避免你的伴侣大发雷霆，这就是你身处虐待关系之中的一个最佳信号。

虐待在健康的感情中没有容身之地。一点儿也没有。

人们或许会问，那些处在虐待关系中的人，为什么就不能离开呢？

这是一个复杂的问题，也许只有那些经历过的人才能给出完整的答案。

如今，你可能不会觉得我是那种会将自己陷入虐待关系之中的人。毕竟，我非常自信，我受过一流的教育，又有着全球化的职业经历。

但是，我曾经和一个施虐者交往过。

他看起来不像个施虐者

起初，他看起来就是完美男友的化身：聪明、风趣、有魅力、帅气，并且在他的行业领域内备受尊重。

不过，他在控制愤怒情绪方面有问题。

只要他感到被轻视或者不被尊重，他就会大动干戈。他从来没有打过我，但他大吼大叫、厉声斥责，嘴里说着关于我和其他人的不堪入耳的话。

引起他愤怒的几乎都是区区小事，但是他激愤的谩骂可以持续几个小时，最终以我泪流满面、我们俩人都筋疲力尽而告终。除了我以外，几乎没有人见识过这些场面，因为他煞费苦心地粉饰着自己的面子。

他似乎对我的家人和朋友最为苛刻。他抱怨满腹，向我数落着他们中的每一个人。他还以此为理由，开始把他们从我们的生活中疏离出去。离开了我最需要的人，我开始孤立无援起来。

回首往事，一切不言而喻：我早就应该离开他。

然而，一旦我开始和他交往，突然间，脱身似乎变得很难。

我没有离开他，因为当他不咆哮的时候，他很风趣、体贴，又对我很好。他很善于道歉，而且他总是向我保证再也不会这样了。我又是个乐观主义者，我相信事情总会有所好转。

我没有离开他，因为我觉得如果你爱一个人，你就应该爱屋及乌。毕竟，我也不是完美的，还有，难道成长不就是学着接受生活的本来面貌吗？

我没有离开他，因为当其他所有人都不能理解他的时候，他说他需要我。而我也以为，我能够帮助他。

我没有离开他，因为变化令人恐惧，想到自己将孤身一人也令人恐惧。走出这段感情实在是太难了。我很累。我不想从头再来，到未知的世界里再次冒险。

我没有离开他，因为我没有勇气去倾听自己的心声。在这个时而冷酷无情的世界上，至少有人能抱抱我。

施虐者看起来不像是坏人

虐待关系让人困惑不解的原因是，大多数施虐者并不像是我们在电影中见到的那些坏人。他们也有人情味，这意味著有时候他们也会友善慷慨。

施虐者甚至往往不知道自己在虐待别人。在他们看来，自己也是被人误解、受人攻击的受害者，而他们的施虐行为只不过是应激反应。

但是，并不能仅凭施虐者不认为自己的行为是施虐行为，就能减少给那些试着爱他们的人带来的伤害。

在我的故事里，我最终选择了离开。

我离开是因为我终于认识到，即便这段感情给我带来了毁灭性的打击，但实际上这并没有帮助到他。

我硬撑下去事实上是在加剧和纵容他的施虐行为。他必须要认识到这个问题和他身边的任何人都没有关系，问题出自于他自身。他需要的不是我，而是专业治疗。

回首往事，我是幸运的。这段感情持续的时间不足一年，并且我所遭受的侵害在程度上远远不及其他受害者。

因为我们并未走进婚姻，也从未生活在一起，所以我可以抽身回到自己的生活中，而不需要总是和他在一起，这使我拥有了对事态进行思考的时间和空间。

在挣扎了几个月之后，我做出了分手的决定。这个决定让我如释重负，甚至让我备受鼓舞──我觉得我又掌控了自己的生活，自己决定我该被如何对待，而不是由其他人做主。

分手的决定还让我此后遇到了我的真爱，并与他携手打造了适合孩子们成长的充满爱意并且安稳的家庭。

我的故事结局完美，但是很多虐待感情都以悲剧告终的。虐待可能带来非常严重和持久的破坏性。一段虐待的感情可以毁灭你的自尊，让你感到无助和孤单。而这些因素都可以引发抑郁。

没有人天生就该承受这种痛苦。

那么我们应当如何保护自己、家人和朋友免受虐待的侵扰呢？

如果你仍单身……

如果你仍单身，以下就是我的建议，简单并且好记──不要和咆哮的人交往，不要和咆哮的人结婚。

如果你正在和某人交往，并且你开始注意到他或她有大吼大叫或任何其他符合施虐定义的行为，请郑重地和你的伴侣就此沟通。如果施虐行为没有立即停止，请你离开他或她。

如果你期待有一天为人父母，请记住你正在为你未来的宝贝儿寻找行为楷模。正如我时刻不断被提醒到的一样，孩子会效仿父母的言行举止，不论是好的还是坏的。而教会孩子如何做人正是父母的职责。

如果你正在和某人交往，而他或她称自己的施虐行为顺理成章，因为那就是他或她父母的相处之道，或者说这只不过是他或她待人的方式，这说明他或她还不够成熟，尚不具备建立恋爱关系的能力。

因为成长的过程就是学会为自己的想法和行为承担全部责任的过程。施虐没有任何借口。

施虐者缺乏经营感情所必需的情智技巧。我们可以同情他们，但是我们绝对没理由和施虐的伴侣厮守一生。做个好人并不要求你耗费一生的时间来照顾施虐者。

这个世界上有那么多好男人、好女人，他们不施虐也不容忍虐待行为。找一个人好好爱吧。

如果你的家庭正在经历虐待……

如果你已经结婚，而你的爱人有施虐行为（或者你自己有施虐行为），为了你自己，为了你的家庭，请马上寻求帮助。

当我们忽视或掩盖虐待的时候，它不仅不会消失，反而会愈演愈烈。而施虐行为对下一代产生的影响更是不容小觑，因为在成长过程中目睹施虐行为的孩子在成年后重蹈覆辙的几率非常大。

承认问题的存在并寻求帮助并不意味着你不是一位好妻子或好丈夫。你没有任何过错，你也并不懦弱。

请走出家门，与你信任的朋友或家庭成员讨论此事，并寻求专业帮助。比如，红枫妇女心理咨询服务中心就在中国开通了全国性的女性热线服务。

你能够也必须保证你的家庭拥有健康的环境。这是一项基本要求。你的孩子值得拥有欢乐、温暖、安稳并且远离虐待的家庭生活。这也是你应该得到的东西。

如果你怀疑身边的某个人正在受到虐待……

如果你怀疑你关心的某个人正在受到虐待，让他或她知道你很担心。指出那些你注意到的、让你担心的事情，告诉他们，你随时都是能够推心置腹的交谈对象。请对他们的一切需求伸出援手，比如当虐待行为发生时，给他们找一处安全的住所。

你可能对是否应该牵涉此事犹豫不决。也许你认为这与你无关，或者你有可能判断失误，或者他们也许不想谈论这件事情。但是请记住，受虐者往往都困惑不堪、内心矛盾，此外，虽然他们需要帮助才能摆脱困境，但通常都已和家人朋友不再亲密。

你可能正是他们所需要的那个能够帮他们摆脱受虐境遇、开始弥合创伤的人。

虐待是否是中国文化的一部分现在掌握在我们手中

在过去的18个月，所有围绕李阳家暴案的报道中，最令我挥之不去的是李阳自己的一句话。在为自己的虐待行为辩护时，李阳说，家暴在中国文化中并不算一回事。

在我们的社会中，有太多被家暴拆散的家庭。如今，或许有很多人都对这种现状习以为常了。

让我们下定决心和笼罩在家暴阴影下的社会说再见吧。

在沉默中，虐待行为愈发变本加厉。能让我们从窘境中解脱的唯一方法就是打破沉默，在发现虐待行为时大声地说出来。

最近，我一直在和红枫妇女心理咨询服务中心的理事姚越进行相关探讨，她说，在积累了20年扶助受虐者的经验后，她们得到的结论是：我们必须对首次出现的家庭暴力采取零容忍的态度。

解决家暴问题的良药是爱。我们必须要足够爱惜自己，才能大胆地对家庭暴力说不。家暴绝不能发生在我们自己、兄弟姐妹、朋友、父母、孩子以及子孙后代的身上。

如果我们都携起手来对家庭暴力说不，那么在一代人的时间里，再也不会有人能轻易说出“家暴在中国文化中并不算一回事”这样的话了。

因为现在，我们正在塑造文化。我们每个人都有责任确保我们创造的文化建立在自尊和相互尊重的基础之上。