这是一篇无忧学员写作批改的文章~ 妥妥的7分！
但是考官还是“吹毛求疵” “鸡蛋里挑骨头”的批出了不少的错误。很多，都是大家平时觉得 “没必要深究” 的细节点。但殊不知，不少同学丢分，就丢在这些细节点上！

In an enlightened society, restricting the number of people who have access to higher education is more generally considered controversial than ever (not true = generalization or formula phrase).  I am more of the view that further education① ought to be open for everyone who desires to better themselves.

[An assertive and sound beginning. 

①: The difference between College | University |higher education and “further” education is confusing. TAFE courses and certificate courses are also ‘further” education, but they are not considered the same as higher education. Be careful not to confusing definitions of key terms, or it will cost ↓TR↓LR.]

On the one hand, it can be argued that higher education should be available only to talented students, because gifted students are more valuable to economic growth. Indeed, these students usually have a higher motivation to complete academic study and thus always achieve at a higher level than other students. Therefore, they are more likely to be recommended by professors for internships and grad programs. In turn, these experiences and higher self-motivation make them highly desirable for businesses once they enter the labor market. Consequently, economies will grow with the addition geniuses in these fields. [Generic ideas but satisfactory discussion.]

On the other hand, some would insist the availability of university education for all students to improve their quality of life①. In general, a college graduate earns significantly more than someone with a high school diploma in Australia, except trade’s (possessive apostrophe not needed here) related positions. This means that students with a higher education background have access to more prestigious employment opportunities and greater economic stability, which will allow them to invest in their life in a more healthy and secure way, such as better access to health care, dietary and health practices. 

[Clever examples…√; ①: Unfinished sentence; you use the language of cause and effect, but forget the ‘effect’ finish. ]

In my opinion①, university should be open to all students with ambitions for greater success √. The lack of achievement in high school does not deny the possibility of further improvement in universities and contributions to the society. More importantly, it is the determination and willingness that makes the difference. Jack Ma, the founder and executive chairman of Alibaba Group, has experienced failure several times when attempting to complete college exams. Twenty years later, he becomes one of the most influential business leaders in the world owing to his passion to learn based on self-improvement, rather than external forces.

[Excellent paragraph, but way over length for one paragraph. ↓CC. 

①: try not to begin a paragraph with YOU as the subject; the essay is about a topic/not you. ]

In conclusion, I believe everyone should be invited to engage in further education when you consider the needs for social development and pursuing their dreams. 

[Succinct but effective conclusion. √ ]

Word Count:   345 words

Nearly 100 more than necessary = in an exam that would mean you wouldn’t have time to edit your work = ↓GRA