Topic 

Some people think parents should control their children’s behavior at early age, but others think children need more freedom. Discuss both view and give your own opinion.  

 Introduction 
In the upbringing of their children, some parents advocate an extremely strict approach in order to teach discipline. In contrast, there are those who believe children require freedom in order to explore their imagination and artistic talents. Although both sides have their merits, a balance must be found in order to ensure the child is brought up to be a well-rounded individual.

无忧小雅哥点评：在paraphrase了两边的观点之后，不露痕迹但是非常清晰的表明了自己的观点。没有连接词，但是却让考官看的非常明白作文本人的观点是什么。一个好的introduction就只需要这些部分组成哦！~

 Body Graph 1 
Controlling a child’s behaviour is beneficial in that it teaches them discipline, ensuring they do not act irresponsibly. By demanding they act a certain way, parents are able to properly teach their children correct etiquette and how to treat other people, meaning from a young age they understand social norms expected of them when they grow up.

 这一段写的是parents should control their children’s behavior，并且给出了一定的解释。每段含有一个观点，逻辑清晰。用词方面不应只注重于大词，而是注重于native的表达。

 Body Graph 2 
An suffocate a child’s artistic flair as it means they are unable to freely express their thoughts and how they feel. Freedom allows them to explore other facets of themselves and their creativity, and encourages them to think for themselves.

 这一段虽然用词很不错，topic sentence也较清晰，但是这一段的解释还欠缺些。小雅哥建议，每一个论点要充分展开topic sentence，确保论述完整哦！~

 Conclusion 
Therefore ultimately we should allow a child to be free to express themselves in order to prevent stifling their talents; however, we must also be aware that their behaviour has limits and must be strict when necessary.

 Conclusion的写法是要注意再一次总结和点明文中观点，并且重复一下作者本人的观点。同时也要注意conclusion的用词哦！~对于目标分数较高，词句能力较好的学生来说，conclusion段的用词和文中的用词最好能有不同，以显示你的词句能力哦！~