高盛的那些电梯八卦事 GS Elevator Gossip,伦敦交易员微信公众号文章

周末在豆瓣上看到了这篇很逗的Goldman的电梯间八卦集，原作者没找到，不过看文中‘八妹’的人称，应该是由微博大V ‘金融八卦女’ 整理的吧。考虑到最近那个Twitter原推主又更新不少好玩的新鲜段子，伦敦交易员也在八卦女的基础上添加了一些最新的 GS Elevator Gossip 。翻译了一中午，希望大家会喜欢，内容有点毒舌。

今天要给大家介绍的是一个名为@GS Elevator Gossip（高盛电梯八卦）的Twitter账户，这个账户因为曝光所谓高盛电梯里的一些八卦杂谈、内幕信息和对新闻的评述而闻名于金融圈。（伦敦交易员本人也长期follow了他的Twitter，很多段子挺好玩的，虽然常常政治不正确。推主其实自己就是一名花街上的Banker, 借着电梯里的高盛员工八卦集的名义，公开地替花街从业者吐出了挺多一针见血但却又登不了大雅之堂的观点）

另外，其实挺多火爆朋友圈的段子也是最开始由@GS Elevator Gossip 发出来的，比如说

反正呢，不论是国内还是国外，全球人都爱看八卦~ 这是不变的真理！好了，让我们进入正题，就是下面这个账号——

话说高盛集团当时甚至为了找出这个推特账号的幕后管理者开展过内部调查呢~

后来幕后真人被媒体报道出来啦，《纽约时报》披露了他的身份，Twitter账户“高盛电梯八卦”的管理者是John Lefevre（约翰·勒费夫尔）

勒费夫尔曾在亚洲从事过多年银行业务，不过主要并不是在高盛，他是前花旗银行的一位高管，曾在花旗供职7年，从事债券相关业务，在John Lefevre的身份被曝光后，高盛当时还十分“顽皮”的发布了一条声明：“我们非常高兴地宣布，从即日起禁止在电梯里谈话这条禁令被正式取消。”

看看，高盛也是接地气萌萌哒有木有！

据了解，勒费夫尔最新的进展是出了一本书：《Straight to Hell: True Tales of Deviance, Debauchery, and Billion-Dollar Deals》。他的这本书内容可不是讲什么高盛八卦，而是更多地涉及广泛的债券市场，以及负责销售债券的银团业务经营者的习惯。

接下来重点来了，其实是想给大家分享一下@GS Elevator Gossip 的那些当时在Twitter上很火很经典的段子，估计有一些大家都看过了，但还是给没看过的朋友们分享一下，为了更浅显易懂，适当修改了其中的部分翻译。

负责任的说，段子确实都挺经典的！虽然挺多观点政治不太正确

#1: Trader : What do you mean the market is showing this number? Bullshit... Because I am the market.
#1:交易员：你说市场给出这些数据是什么意思？放你的狗屁！老子就是市场！

#1:Those who can do, do. Those who can't, work at Morgan Stanley.
#1:能干活的都在干活，干不了活的都滚去摩根斯坦利了。

#1: Abortions are just expensive condoms.
#1:打胎只是贵点的安全套。

#1: Diversity, to an Indian, is hiring a Paki.
#1:多样性对于印度人而言，就是雇佣一个巴基斯坦人。

#1:Profits, not market share. We're not Citigroup.

#1:利润！不是他妈的市场份额！我们又不是特么的花旗银行！

#1: The lottery is just a way of taxing poor people who don’t know math.
#1：彩票不过是对那些不懂数学的穷人征税而已。

#1: If life’s a game, money is how you keep score.
#1：如果生命是一场游戏，金钱就是你的算分牌。

#1: Magazines dedicate entire issues to ‘Women in Business.’ #2: How much can you write about secretaries? #2 (to Skirt#1): Kidding.
#1：这期杂志花了一整期去讲商界里的女人。#2：秘书有什么好讲的？？？#2（对后面女生讲）：开玩笑啦。。。

#1：我最喜欢的三局谎言：1. ‘对不起’；2. ‘开玩笑的’；3. ’我们应该抽时间出来聚聚‘

#1: Some chick asked me what I would do with 10 million bucks. I told her I’d wonder where the rest of my money went.
#1:有些妞问我如果我有一千万会干嘛。我告诉她，我会很不解我别的钱都到哪里去了。

#1: Coupon… Food stamps for the middle class.
#1：优惠卷是中产阶级的粮票。。。

#1: I love it when someone starts a sentence with ‘When I was at Goldman Sachs’… Well, you aren’t at Goldman Sachs now, cocksucker.
#1：我是真心喜欢听到某些人开口就说：当我还在高盛的时候。。。好吧，你现在在哪里哦？

#1: Know the difference between a buy-side and a sell-side guy? The buy-side guy says ‘Fuck you’ before they hang up the phone.
#1：知道买方和卖方的区别吗？买方的家伙每次挂电话前都说操你妈。

#1: I wish I invested in poverty. It’s up 60% since 2001. #2: We did.
#1：如果当年我可以投资贫穷这样东西就好了。从2001起都涨了60%了。#2：我们有啊

#1: I pick up my 458 Italia on Tuesday. #2: You need to save some stuff for your mid-life crisis.
#1：我周二去取我的法拉利458。#2：你也不为你的中年危机存点钱。。。

#1: I deleted my birthdate from Facebook the week before my birthday. Only 3 of my friends remembered.
#1：我生日前一周Facebook上删了我的生日。特么只有3个人记得。。。

ED#1 (to 1st year Analyst): I would agree with you, but then we’d both be fucking wrong.
执行总裁#1对新人：我如果同意你的说法，那样我们都特么错了呀。

#1: Asian girlfriends are just whores who get paid in Louis Vuitton.
#1：亚裔女友们都只是用LV包包付款的whore罢了

#1: Linsanity is destroying my basketball league. Every Asian kid thinks they’re 6 inches taller all of a sudden.
#1：林来疯（林书豪）彻底毁了我们的篮球队了。每个亚裔小朋友都仿佛一夜之间高了6寸似的

[Harvard] #1: I got a job at McKinsey, the Goldman of consulting. #2: I got a job at Goldman, the fucking Goldman of banking.
『哈佛校园』#1：我在麦肯锡找到工作了，咨询界的高盛！#2：我在高盛找到工作了，特么银行界的高盛！

#1: I already know I’m going to Hell. So, at this point it’s go big or go home.
#1：我早知道我迟早会下地狱。所以现在要么玩大的要么回家。

#1: Living my life is like playing Call of Duty on Easy. I just go around and fuck shit up.
#1：过我的生活就像玩低难度的使命召唤。就是随便到处走走开枪扫人。。。

#1: I tell every new hire the same thing. Spend that cash. No one needs a $100 million funeral.

#2: Or a $50 million ex-wife.
#1：我每年总是这样告诉新人，把钱都花了吧。没有人需要一个一亿的葬礼。

#2：或者一个半亿的前妻。。。

#1: Hey, do you have change for a $20? #2: $20′s are change, bro.
#1:嘿，有20块零钱吗？#2：老兄，20块不就是零钱吗？？？

#1: If you can only be good at one thing, be good at lying… Because if you’re good at lying, you’re good at everything.
#1：如果你只能精通一样东西，你应该精通撒谎，如果你精通撒谎，那你就精通所有东西了！

MD #1: I would vote for Obama… just to watch him age for another 4 years.
经理#1：我还是会投票奥巴马连任的，想看他快速衰老多4年

#1: AAPL says the US doesn’t have workers w/ the skills to make iPhones.

#2: It takes a lot of skill to survive on 70¢ an hour.
#1：苹果说，美国提供不了有适应技巧的工人去做爱疯。

#2：是啊，靠70美仙的时薪生存真的很讲技巧。。。

#1: I don’t let my kids watch Lady Gaga. She has such a negative message… If you’re ugly, you have to dress like a freak.
#1：我不会让我的小朋友看雷帝嘎嘎。她在传递多么负面的信息呀，如果你长得难看，就得穿得像个怪胎

#1: Filing for bankruptcy is a Kodak moment.
#1：申请破产是一个柯达时刻（厄。。。柯达刚申请破产，他们当年的广告词就是Kodak moment）

[Columbia lecture today] Prof: Why’s it so hard to get a job at Goldman Sachs? Student: I’m not the right person to ask, I got an offer.
『哥伦比亚大学课堂』教授：为什么现在在高盛找份工作那么难？学生：表问我。。。我拿到他家offer了

#1: Blacking out is just your brain clearing it’s browser history.
#1：宿醉就是你的大脑在清理浏览记录。

#1: In the words of Benjamin Franklin, ‘if we say that money doesn’t buy happiness, it might stop poor people from robbing us.’
#1：本杰明富兰克林说过，如果金钱买不了幸福，起码可以阻止穷人来抢劫我们呀。

#1: The PWM chicks know how to dress.

#2 (nods): Pretty good wife material. Hot but not slutty-looking. Smart but not too smart.
#1：那些个人理财的妞懂得该怎么穿衣服。

#2（点头）：当老婆的好料。性感而不淫荡，聪明而不耍心机。

#1：她很性感，但不如 ‘冒着我一半净资产的风险’ 性感。

#1: My only real concern about Romney is that he doesn’t drink. How can we trust him?
#1：我唯一担心Romney（共和党候选人）的是，他不喝酒呀，叫我怎么信他呢？

#1: if you have a job where you have to wear a nametag, nobody gives a shit what your name is.
#1：如果你有份工作需要带名牌，那就表明其实没人管你你叫什么鸟。。。

#1: Bank of America is the Kmart of banks.

#2: Kmart sucks.

#1: Thanks, Rain Man.
#1：美国银行就是银行中的Kmart。

#2：Kmart很烂耶。

#1：谢谢！

ED#1 (to 1st year analysts): If I ever hear about something I say mentioned on Twitter, I’ll fucking kill you.
执行总裁对第一年新人：如果我见到有人把我说的话发微博，我特么杀了你们！

#1: Only 55% of Americans between the ages of 16-29 have jobs.

#2: Fuck them. They got that ass clown elected in the first place.
#1：现在只有55%的年龄介乎16到29的美国人有工作了。

#2：活该，谁让他们选那白痴上台

#1: Whenever I see a black guy with my last name, I can’t help but wonder if my family used to own his.
#1：每当我看到有黑人和我一样姓，我就会想，几百年前我们家是不是买了他们家了？

#1: Obama is aging fast enough for Morgan Freeman to play him in a movie.
#1：奥巴马衰老得那么快，Morgan Freeman都快可以在电影里面演他了

#1: Almost time for children to learn a valuable life lesson. Santa loves rich kids more.
#1：（圣诞临近）是时候给小朋友上宝贵的一课了，圣诞老人是比较爱那些有钱人孩子的

#1: Fact. Nearly 50% of all American workers have less than $10k saved for retirement.

#2: Fuck. That wouldn’t cover a ski weekend.
#1：事实上，将近50%的美国工薪阶层银行里面存来退休的钱不足一万。

#2：靠，还不够周末去滑个雪

#1: If riding the bus doesn't incentivize you to improve your station in life, nothing will.
如果挤公共汽车都没法刺激你去改善自己人生的靠站，没别的东西可以了。

#1:Obama wants to raise taxes on people making $250k a year.

#2:(laughs): Why is he raising taxes on the poor?

#1:奥巴马想提高年薪高于25万美元的那部分人的税。

#2:（笑）：他干嘛想提高穷人的税？

#1: I love watching Asian guys smell and swirl their wine obnoxiously. And then their faces get all blotchy. Pussies.
#1：我真喜欢看到那些搞笑的亚洲人把酒杯摇了又闻，闻了又摇，好像很陶醉的样子。白痴。。。

#1: If people never trust a skinny chef, they shouldn’t want their bankers to be poor.
#1：如果人们不相信一个瘦厨师会做出好吃的东西，那他们不应该希望他们的银行家穷呀

#1: Fuck that. When I was an analyst, I had to eat an entire ‘wasabi roll’. What we called team-building, you faggots call bullying.
#1：操，我还是新人的时候，我得他妈吞掉一整条芥末手卷。我们所说的构建团队，就是你们所谓的恃强凌弱

#1: Sending flowers to her office is like a big neon sign to her coworkers saying, “The asshole screwed up again.”
#1：送花去她办公室就是明摆告诉她的同事，这白痴又搞砸了。。。

#1: If you want a friend, get a dog. If you want a friend with benefits, find some chick who’s in PR.
#1：需要朋友？买条狗吧。需要(靠，我讨厌炮友这个词）？你得搞上几个做公关的妞

MD#1: Every horrible wife starts out as an adorable girlfriend.
经理#1：每个悍妻都曾是人见人爱的女友。

#1: The only reason I do yoga is so I can meet girls.

#2: I just tell chicks I do yoga.
#1：我做瑜伽的唯一原因是，可以认识女孩。。。

#2：我在美眉面前都声称我做瑜伽。。。

#1: He’s got 1,800 Facebook friends, and can’t get 40 people to go to his wedding.
#1：他Facebook上面一千八好友，却他妈拉不来40个人去他婚礼

#1: Swinging by Tiffany’s to buy a gift.

#2 (looks cynically): Why don’t you get her something nice?
#1：准备晃过Tiffany’s的时候买点礼物。

#2（满脸疑惑）：拜托，干嘛不买点好些的呢？

#1: Getting rich isn’t that hard. Any hot girl with questionable morals can do it.
#1：要发达不是那么难。任何一个道德有问题的辣妹都做得到。

#1: Being a Republican voter is like being a mid-30s chick, you’ll just have to settle. And you’ve probably had better.
#1：投票给共和党的人就像30多岁的中年妇女，是时候安定下来了。。。你最好安定下来。。。不然。。。

Skirt#1: I have a Birkin bag, but I think it’s totally inappropriate for client meetings.
女生#1：哎哟，悄悄告诉你哦，我有一个Birkin包包，不过呢，我觉得带它去见客户是完全不适合的，哦呵呵呵呵呵。。。

#1: It’s a make-or-break week for Europe.

#2: They say that every week…The EU has more rescue plans than Obama has vacation days.
#1：这周欧洲又他妈是要么成功要么破产时刻了。

#2他们每周都干这个。。。欧盟需要拯救的日子快赶上奥巴马去度假的时间了。

#1: Miami this weekend.

#2: Where you staying?

#1: Haven’t booked yet. Planning’s for the poor.
#1：这周末去迈阿密。

#2：住哪里？

#1：没订呢，穷人才需要预先计划

#1: Climbing Mount Everest is the hardest thing I’ve ever done on my résumé.
#1：爬上喜马拉雅山是我在简历上做过最壮烈的事情了。

#1: A protester sees my Benz, and wants to rip me out of it. A real man sees my car, and wants to work hard so he can buy it one day.
#1：（占领华尔街）一个抗议者看到我的奔驰，想把我拖下来。他妈一个真男人看到我的车，就应该发奋图强好有一天他也能买一辆。

#1: Being spotted in economy class must be like having your parents visit you at boarding school in a shitty rental car.
#1：坐经济舱碰到熟人肯定就像上寄宿学校爸妈来看时被碰到你开着租来的小破车

#1: You’re going to Hell in just about any religion.

#2: First class, baby…
#1：你哦，无论信什么教都是要下地狱的啦。

#2：坐头等舱去的呢，baby

#1: Black Friday is the Special Olympics of capitalism.
#1：黑色星期五的疯狂购物就是资本主义的残疾奥运会。。。

#1: It used to be that if you could predict a market event, you could predict a market response. Now, you can’t predict either.
#1：要是当年，如果你能预测市场事件，你就是预测市场走向。现在？你他妈两个都猜不了。

#1: Knowing that you don’t understand women is understanding women.

#2: Thanks Socrates.
#1：懂得你不懂得女人就是懂得女人。

#2：谢谢你，苏格拉底。。。

#1：希腊人也许发明了性爱的艺术，但是是意大利人给它加入了女人。

#1: Thanks to the economic crisis, waitressing got upgraded from a job to a career.
#1：感谢金融危机，餐厅当服务生都成体面的职业了。。。

#1: I would join them, but I have to occupy this job so I can go home and occupy my wife.
#1（关于占领华尔街）：我可以加入他们啊，但是我得先占领我现在这份工作，那样我晚上回家才可以占领我老婆。。。

#1: If Occupy Wall Street had happened 15 or 20 years ago, Obama would’ve been right out there with them, ‘organizing.’
#1：如果占领华尔街发生在15或者20年前，奥巴马没准肯定跑去当组织者了

#1: Life is short.

#2: It’s the longest thing I’ll ever do.
#1：人生苦短。。。

#2：那可是我做过最长久的事情了

#1: My professor at Wharton always said, ‘you can marry more money in 5 minutes than you can make in a lifetime, even at Goldman Sachs.’
#1：我沃顿商学院的教授总是说：你可以在5分钟内嫁给你一辈子都赚不了的钱，即使在高盛。

#1: Congress is allowed to trade on insider information.

#2: And only half of them are millionaires.

#1: Losers.
#1：国会里的人允许用内幕消息交易耶。

#2：他们才一半人有百万资产。

1：正白痴。。。

#1: I’ve never said I ‘hate’ anyone because that would imply I had any emotion for them whatsoever.
#1：我从来不会说我“恨”某人，搞得我好像真的对他动过什么感情似的。

#1: Wives & Girlfriends are temporary. Ex-Wives & Ex-Girlfriends last forever.

#2: Who said that?

#1: Kenny Powers.
#1：老婆，女友都是暂时的。前妻和前女友才是永恒的。

#2：谁说的?

#1: Kenny Powers（这谁呀？？？）

#1: The only reason I have a home phone is so I can find my cell phone.

#2: Our maid does that.
#1：我会在家里装电话的唯一原因是，那样可以找到我的手机。

#2：咱家的仆人干那些

#1： My Mom always said I was ‘one-in-a-million.’

#2: So, that means there are 7,000 people just like you.
#1：我妈总是说我是百万中挑一的。

#2：所以世上还有7000个像你一样的人

#1: We’re going to dress up as Wiseguys for Halloween. Flashy suits & cheap jewelry.

#2: People will just think you work at Morgan Stanley.
#1：我们打算万圣节扮成Wiseguys哦。亮瞎的西装还有地摊廉价珠宝。

#2：靠，你不怕别人以为你在摩根斯坦利上班哦？

#1: Don’t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
#1：别担心，有些人活着就是受罪。。。

#1: It’s pretty amazing how many people in Chengdu say their name is Ross, Rachel, Chandler, or Monica.
#1：你会吃惊在成都有多少人说他们叫Ross，Rachel，Chandler或者Monica。。。（Friends看多了吧。。。）

#1: Alcohol won’t solve your problems.

#2: Tofu and yoga won’t solve yours.
#1：信我吧，酒精解决不了你的问题。

#2：豆腐和瑜伽也解决不了你的。。。

#1: I always tell my Chinese clients, ‘Being morally bankrupt won’t affect your credit rating.’
#1：我总是告诉我的中国客户：道德破产不会影响你的信贷评分。

#1：我们总是对那些尽力娱乐讨好我们的专业运动员的道德要求远远高于那些牧师与政治家们。

#1: HK chicks go to China to buy fake Louis Vuitton shit & mainlanders come to HK to buy the real shit.

#2: So then who shops at Coach?
#1：香港妞都到大陆去买假LV，大陆的却跑到香港去买真货。

#2：那谁买Coach呀？

#1: Bill Gates has a 15-year old daughter.

#2: Shit. I can wait 3 years.

#1: Less than that if she does semester abroad somewhere cool.
#1：比尔盖茨有个15岁的女儿。

#2：操，我可以等3年等她18岁。

#1：不用那么久，要是她到国外做交换生的话。

#1: I don’t even remember how I managed to ignore my wife at dinner before the Blackberry era.
#1：我已经搞不清当年没有黑莓我是怎么在吃晚饭的时候可以无视我老婆了。

#1: I sent Morgan Stanley my resume.

#2: Why? #1: So i could reject them again.
#1：我发了我的简历去摩根斯坦利。

#2：你没事吧？

#1：那样可以再拒他们一次。

#1: Hong Kong sales can expense ‘karaoke’ bars where girls go home with you, and I get shit about a $1k dinner. Fuck that.
#1：香港的业务员可以报销那些有女陪你回家的K房，我却他妈因为一顿一千的晚饭被揍。

#1: You see that insider trading story?

#2: The most embarrassing thing is that he only made like $60k.

#1: If you’re gonna do it, DO it!
#1：你看到那内幕交易的新闻了吗？

#2：最尴尬的是，他才赚了他妈六万块钱。

#1：要搞就搞大它嘛。

#1: I always stand further back from the urinal so people think my dick’s bigger.

#2: What happens if they look over.

#1: They never look.
#1：我上厕所总是站得比较靠后，周围的人会以为我比较大。

#2：他们真的看过来怎么办？

#1：不会的。。。

#1: Bali. Jo wants a destination wedding.

#2: Nice, and the benefit of being far away, it’ll filter out any poor people u have to invite.
#1：巴里，Jo想搞一个远距离的婚礼。

#2：不错嘛，远距离的好处就是，可以过滤掉那些你不得不邀请的穷人们。。。

#1: “You look like u didn’t go home last night.”

#2: “You look like u don’t remember getting home last night.”
#1：你看来昨晚没回家哦。

#2：你看来不记得你昨晚回过家哦。

#1: “Irene f*cked up my weekend. Next available flight is in economy.”

#2: “I would rather not fly.”
#1：台风艾琳搞砸了我的周末，下一班飞机只有经济舱。

#2：那我宁愿不飞。。。

Suit#1: “Was that really an earthquake?”

Suit#2: “No, I just dropped my wallet.” (laughter)
西装友1：刚才真的地震了？

西装友2：没，我钱包掉了下来而已。

MD#1:(on cell phone getting into elevator) “Fuck you.” Hangs up. “Good Morning.”
常务董事（边打电话边进电梯）：“草泥马”，挂电话，“嘿～大家早。”

#1: Why would I marry? It's betting some chick half my net worth that I will love her forever.
#1: 为什么要结婚？用我一半身家去赌我会爱某个女人一辈子？

#1: Most people don't understand that God cast them as extras in this movie.

#1：绝大多数人都不懂上帝是让他们来这个世界跑龙套的。。。

#1: If she ever says 'If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best,' she doesn't have a best.
#1：如果她曾说：“如果你hold不住她最坏的时候，你不值得拥有她的最好。”-- 她没有最好的。。。

#1: After I drink my coffee, I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java. He hates me.
#1：我喝完我的咖啡，给空杯子IT的人看，告诉他我成功安装JAVA了！-- 他恨我

#1: Talent hits a target no one else can hit; genius hits a target no one else can see.
#1：人才做到别人做不到的；天才做到别人想不到的

#1: Relationships are like a seesaw. If one of you gets too bored or too fat, the fun is over.
#1：恋爱就像翘翘板，任何一方变得太闷或者太肥，游戏就结束了

#1: If there really was a glass ceiling, we'd let all the women work above us.
#1：如果真有玻璃天花，我们会让所有女人都到上面工作去的
（玻璃天花板（glass ceiling）是指在公司企业或者机关团体中，限制某些人口群体，如女性、少数族裔，晋升到高级经理及决策阶层的障碍。）

#1：如果女性真的有做了同样的工作却比男性少拿20%的工作，那为什么理智的公司股东不会要求只许雇佣女性？

Skirt#1: My 7yr old daughter finally met my ex-husbands new girlfriend, so now I have to explain to her what a cunt is.
#女1：我七岁的女儿终于见了我前夫的新女友，我现在得向她解释什么是贱×了

#1: I start every cell conversation with 'my phone's about to die' so they don't waste my time.
#1：我每次接手机都先说‘手机快没电了’，好让他们不要浪费我时间

#1：很多人都以为我很安静、无聊、害羞，而完全没有意识到我只是不喜欢这些人。

#1：所谓团队精神其实就是一帮子人按照我的要求去做事。

#1：今天是因公殉职的纽约警察局Brian Moore警官的葬礼，奥巴马没有派一个代表来。我猜他派去巴尔的摩参加那个毒枭葬礼的三个政府代表实在是太忙了。

伦敦交易员注：2015年巴尔的摩大暴动（2015 Baltimore riots）发生于2015年4月，因非裔美国人佛莱迪·葛瑞之死而产生。在葬礼之后的游行活动中，部分群众变得更加暴力，在骚乱中大量警车和商铺被毁，造成了大量财产损失和人员伤亡。马里兰州州长拉瑞·霍根宣布全州进入紧急状态，并启用马里兰州国民警卫队