Some people think that cultural traditions will be destroyed if they are used as money-making attractions aimed at tourists. Others, however, believe that is the only way to save these traditions. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

It is believed(加上by some和后面的opponents对应)that profit-oriented tourism ruins cultural traditions, while opponents argue that this is the only way to preserve(一句话里面如果有多个代词会增加理解难度)thesetraditions. I think that the disadvantages of this kind of tourism overweigh（overweight和outweigh不要混淆，意思完全不一样） advantages.

Some people think that profit-oriented tourism is the only way to save cultural traditions, because other sources, such as government financial assist(assistance), are limited. To explain, governments are more likely to invest in essential public services rather than culture preservation, which leads to insufficient government funds on culture saving. Therefore, the best way to preserve cultural identities is to improve its self-sufficiency. For example, the money-making tourism could charge higher entry commission on historical attractions, and the revenue could be used to maintain and preserve the historical sites.(这段也是一个典型的妨碍6.5的考生上7的例子，即重点偏移。这段最主要的观点是他们赚的钱可以反过来对文化起到保护作用，而不是前面的政府投资不足。把有限的句子放在要表达的重点上才能事半功倍)

Others, however, believe that some cultural traditions have been(很好，时态多变也算在GRA里面的，这个时态用的很精准而且比过去式更有意义，因为现在完成时更强调了’迄今为止’这个意思)damaged by profit-making tourism. To illustrate, some traditions have been changed to meet the demand of tourists in order to make profits. Specifically, some festivals in certain areas only take place once a year.(specifically后面并没有说的更清楚，反而有些模糊，可以把这句话写完，这些活动对文化产生了什么具体的影响呢, PS.很多考生都会犯这个错误)However,(这个句号+however强行把两个本来应该在一起的句子拆了，这两个句子可以用when some festivals take place... , there are .....用when把它们串在一起)there are millions of visitors in town every daywaitingand they wantto see the special events during the period they stay. Consequently, these festivals have beenare(这里不用现在完成时哦，因为跟现在没啥关系)heldperformedevery day, and they areno longer serve the purpose ofprotectingcultural tradition but only aim(festivals做主语，所以是被动，someone aims to do/ something is aimed to...关于主被动这点也是要特别注意的)to earn money from the tourists. Po Shui festival in Yun Nan is the perfect case for such phenomenon.

In my opinion, the drawbacks of profit-making tourism are way more beyond its merits. The reason is that this kind of tourism may be enhancing the self-efficiency of these cultural traditions, however, itisbased on the cost of changing the original purpose of traditions(original purpose of traditions是什么意思没有解释清楚，其实作者第二段的观点是这些活动会破坏当地的文化). 最后一段不用写那么绕，,可以写(admittedly)+观点1，whereas/however+观点2，thus/so+ in my opinion, drawbacks XXXXXX more than merits.

比如：Profit-making tourism canmake profits to maintain the historical sites;whereasit has some detrimental influenceson the cultural traditions. Thus, in my opinion, XXXXXXXX.

综合评价：

Task Achievement: 6

Coherence& cohesion: 6.5

Lexical resource: 6.5

Grammatical range & accuracy: 6.5

总分：6.5

其实E同学的基本功还算扎实，

  语法和词汇尚可。

最需提高的是对题目的回应能力，也就是task achievement，这一项不仅仅是说要扣题就可以了，这一点相信大部分的考生都可以做到。但是需要注意的就是，对每一个分论点的阐述是否清晰。比如这篇作文的第二段，把第一句话的“黄金位置”让给了一个和后文不是特别相关的论点，其实有些本末倒置的意味。第三段也同样存在一些这样的问题，写了一些不是特别相关的话，而最主要的论点却被模糊了。同学们，尤其是雅思写作想上7分得同学，要特别注意这一点。力气要用在该用的地方。

 其次一个小问题，就是有些“用力过猛”。很多6分以上的考生其实对语法的掌握还是不错的，但是控制力不好。什么叫做语法的控制力呢？就是可以用语法去支撑起句子意思的能力。比如第三段第二句To illustrate, some traditions have been changed to meet the demand of tourists in order to make profits. Specifically, some festivals in certain areas only take place once a year. 相信有些语感较好的同学会觉得这句话读起来有一些奇怪，原因就在刻意的使用加分的句式,比如to illustrate, specifically，而忽略了句子的意思，显得缺少控制。同学们在练习的时候也要注意这一点，不要盲目使用复杂的语法，句式，这些东西一定是为了内容服务的，否则就容易写出不那么地道的句子。