修改前：BEFORE
We live in a world where health and safety is more and more important One of the signs of this is the demand that dangerous sports should be banned. While I understand that argument, my view is that people should be free to do whatever sports they want.
说的夸张些，这就好比妆前，妆后，的确需要适当修饰！
修改后：AFTER
We live in a world where health and safety is an ever greater priority. One of the signs of this is the demand that dangerous sports should be banned. While I understand that argument, my view is that, within certain limits, people should retain the freedom to participate in whatever sports they choose.
主要有这样几处亮点：
an ever greater priority, within certain limits, retain the freedom, participate in
（1）惊奇发现：8.0分写作的亮点多数是在短语的细节感，和搭配上。（Part of the academic writing skill is learning to qualify what you say so that it is not too general. Take a look at these two examples of qualifying phrases I add in to the improved version. Again, the changes may seem small but taken together they can have a significant effect on your writing.）
（2）第二个惊奇发现：avoid repetition
修改前：BEFORE
The biggest reason for objecting to dangerous sports is that they can be very dangerous and can sometimes kill people. More than that, it is not just the sportspeople who are in danger, but spectators too can be badly hurt. If, for example, a Formula 1 car crashes, the driver may be hurt and it is possible that people in the crowd will be too. Because of this danger, it is understandable why people want the government to ban these sports.
还是要再次强调，短期突破，就是要让考官看到不同的效果！
修改后:AFTER
The principal reason for objecting to extreme sports is of course that they can be highly dangerous and sometimes life-threatening. More than that, it is not just the participants who are at risk, but spectators too can be seriously injured. If, for example, a Formula 1 car crashes, the driver may not escape unharmed and there is also a chance that a bouncing tyre or debris will fly into the crowd. Given this level of danger, it is understandable why people call for the authorities to take action.
这样几个词都被果断换掉了：
dangerous sports换为extreme sports
kill people换为life-threatening
be badly hurt换为be seriously injured
be hurt换为not escape unharmed
because of换为given the level of
want sb to do换为call for sb to do
government换为the authories
ban these sports换为take action
更多精彩原文比较，点击官网链接：
http://www.globalielts.com.au/
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