Keeping fit is not only a personal matter for people but also a duty to the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Regarding to health①, it has been argued that keeping healthy is not limited to personal issue (issue 👉 issues), it also acts as a② social responsibility. Personally, I completely agree with this view.

[Tutor’s Comments: ① In relation to health; ② represents.]

Undoubtedly, keeping fit is a private issue as everybody has right (right 👉 the right) to choose how to manage their health. Considering that everyone has their own specific physical condition and cognition of wellbeing, people have different attitudes for their health management. For example, some individuals who have diabetes are seriously conscious of avoiding food with high level of glycemic index such as refined grains①, while other diabetic② patients are indifferent to control their level of blood sugar due to lack of health awareness. As no one is entitled to force others changing (changing 👉 to change) their attitudes towards keeping healthy, the preference of health management has in turn been treated as a personal matter.

[Tutor’s Comments: ① End the sentence here; ② what do you mean? Are you referring to type 1/type 2 diabetics or those that don’t know what they are?]

I believe that① being healthy can also be regarded as responsibility to society that (that 👉 where) people reside. As we know, the society is constituted by cooperation and collaboration among different groups in which individuals work (work 👉 working) together in order to keep society functioning well. In this way, each person acts as a cog in this large machine of society so that personal physical condition definitely has impacts (impacts 👉 an impact) on society. For instance, the outbreak of SARS in China in 2003 triggered thousands of people suffering (suffering 👉 to suffer) from an infectious disease, causing the whole society paralysed such as closed ② schools and strikes (strikes 👉 striking). From this perspective, it is arguably that physical fitness is directly responsible to the society as it is closely related to the benefits of society.

[Tutor’s Comments: ① You need to start this body paragraph more academically. Keep your opinion to the last paragraph/conclusion; ② ‘serious grief amongst the community including actions such as…; closed 👉 closing.]

In conclusion, keeping healthy benefits individual themselves as well as bears responsibility of assisting society to function smoothly.

Tutor的详细Feedback如下：

Feedback:

Word Count 279 👉 Appropriate. 

Task Achievement – Very Good 

This response addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear position throughout however I don’t think your supporting examples are convincing enough without further details. For example, I can’t see how SARS is really linked to a healthy society. This was an unfortunate situation that is extremely rare in occurrence. To support this topic you would need to give a more common example such as parental responsibility. If parents do not educate their children about healthy eating or give them unhealthy junk food, then the child is more likely to take days off school. In addition they grow up with bad habits causing teenage obesity and teenage diabetes etc. This in turn puts more strain on our health system. (This is just one direction of argument) 

Coherence & Cohesion – Very Good 

Information is arranged appropriately and again there is a clear progression throughout. This time paragraphs could be better introduced more academically. Your cohesion within paragraphs are quite good. 

Lexical Resource – Very Good to Well Done 

The vocabulary used is again sufficient for the task showing some flexibility and precision, particularly with collocations. Again just make sure your choice of words are accurately selected. 

Grammar & Accuracy – Very Good to Well Done

Your sentence structures show good control of both simple and complex forms. However be careful not to make your sentences too long. Break up your ideas.