无忧雅思殿堂级老师作文批改范例

这是一篇学员写作批改的范文，作者的用词和表达都属于比较不错的，这篇文章也有7-7.5分左右的得分。对于目标7分的烤鸭来说，可以学习一下文中的表达，把这些好的地方都变成自己的东西！

Q: Should the governments enforce a mandatory retirement age? What is your opinion?

Mandatory retirement①, just like many hotly-debated issues triggered by the ever changing society, has been prioritized on many governments’ agenda. While many oppose the policy by pointing out the fact that senior workers are the treasure of the company, I tend to agree to a large extent that mandatory retirement are② required because it is beneficial to the younger generation as well as the elderly.

【①: try to paraphrase the topic; ② are → is】

On the one hand, forced retirement should not be imposed because companies require those experience workers in order to run their daily operations efficiently①. It is generally acceptable that senior workers, which often to be old people②, are the one③ who④ most familiar with the company’s operation and its in-house system. In other words, if everyone is forced to retire at the age of 55, then there will be a smaller pool of experience⑤ at⑥ the company. So, who is going to show the junior staff the ropes of the trades? As a result, governments should not force their citizens to retire as it will disrupt the company’s operational system.

【①: examples?; ②: are often the older generation;  ③: one → ones;  ④: who → who are; ⑤: what kind of experience?; ⑥: at → in】

On the other hand, required① retirement is essential, because it provides opportunity to② the youngsters③, being hired or being more established in the company. In other words, if senior employees leave the company, it will free up more places to the youngsters④. Besides, they will also⑤ get promoted and provide a chance to pick up those ex-seniors’ previous responsibility⑥ in the company. In this respect, required retirement can benefit the progression of young people’s career.

【①: required → compulsory; ②: opportunity for; ③: youngsters → younger staff and members; ④: to the youngsters → for the less experienced; ⑤: Besides, they will → Possibly, they will; ⑥: examples?】

Furthermore, mandatory retirement may benefit the elderly in terms of their health. Elderly① should be rewarded with a well-earned rest after working for several decades, which may result in a reduction of the risk of suffering from stress-related illness. With more personal time being given, elderly② can participate in a various kind of③ activities that they are interested in and have a more relax lifestyle④. Take Malaysia for example, with the execution of the compulsory retirement scheme, the number of old⑤ people suffering from stress-related illness has been significantly decrease⑥ for⑦ about 22% over the course of 5 years since 2005. As a result, mandatory retirement should be imposed by the governments in all countries.

【①/②: the elderly; ③: various kinds of; ④ Give examples – playing golf, traveling, enjoying grandchildren etc.; ⑤: old → older; ⑥: decrease → decreased; ⑦: for → by;】

In conclusion, even if many argue that mandatory retirement can adversely affect a company’s productivity, I tend to agree that① mandatory retirement age is essential as it benefits both young people and old people in terms of their career and their health respectively.

【①: that → that to give a… 】

Tutor’s Feedback:

Word Count is appropriate however 408 words is very lengthy for a 40-minute essay. Did you time yourself?

Task Achievement – Very Good

This response addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear opinion throughout. However not all arguments are extended as much as they could be with detailed examples. You have given some extremely valuable ideas which support your argument clearly so to be awarded a higher mark be more specific in some areas. See comments.

Excellent introduction.

Coherence & Cohesion – Very Good to Well Done.

Information is arranged appropriately and there is a clear progression throughout. Paragraphs are managed well with a range of cohesive devices evident however just be careful not to be too repetitive with cohesive devices.

Lexical Resource – Very Good to Well Done

The vocabulary used is sufficient for the task showing some flexibility and precision however there is a lot of repetition of key words.  Try to paraphrase or use synonyms to illustrate a better range. You have expressed some high academic words and collocations so very good.

Grammar & Accuracy – Very Good

You have many error free sentences which show good control however be careful with prepositions. You could also express more flexibility in the type of sentences you use. For example: passives, relative clauses, nominalisation etc.

你也想写出一样漂亮的作文？其实并不难！只要掌握了审题的方法，理解了雅思写作的逻辑思路，以及积累了一定的词句能力，写出这样的文章真的不难！各位烤鸭们加油！坚持一下，下一个成功的就是你~