无忧内部学员Task 1 高分范文

The line graph shows visits to and from the UK from 1979 to 1999, and the bar graph shows the most popular countries visited by UK residents in 1999.

The line graph illustrates the number of visitors to and from the UK between 1979 and 1999., ①whereas Tthe bar charts shows② the most popular nations visited by residents in of the UK in 1999.

[①: enhances your structure and makes a very good complex sentence structure; ②represents/depicts – more sophisticated vocabulary]

It can be seen from the line graph that 10 million people from overseas countries visited to① the UK, compared to 14 million UK residents who travelled abroad in 1979. The figure for visits to the UK increased steadily to about 28 million in 1999, while the number of visits abroad from the UK experienced a dramatical rise since 1985② to around 54 million at the end of period shown.

[①: The verb ‘visit’ is always followed by a place, i.e. you visit a place; ②: Hampers the logical structure of your writing.]

Moreover①, tThe bar chart shows that Turkey, Greece and the USA were less popular with lower than 5 million UK visitors to travel in each country② in 1999. Spain and France, on the other hand, were more favourable than the corresponding figures other countries③, with approximately 9 million and 11million tourists from Britain respectively.

[①: Enhances coherence. It is always a good idea to begin a new para with a cohesive device; ②: Grammatically awkward; ③: unclear what you mean by ‘than the corresponding figures.’]

Overall, both① the number of visits to and from the UK experienced an upward trend throughout the period given. Also②, France was the most popular country to visit by the UK residents in 1999.

[①: You could have used both if you would have said ‘both, the number of visits to and the number of visits from the UK,’ but if you say ‘the number of visits to and from the UK,’ then you cannot use ‘both’; ②: Further,/Furthermore, - better cohesive devices.]

Feedback

• Word Count: 185 words, minimum required 150

The word limit is appropriate – good work! Always try keeping the word limit from 150-180.

• Task Response – Excellent

You have reported all of the important results – good work.

• Coherance & Cohesion – Very Good

You have made some good use of some cohesive devices and your ideas flow in a logical order in general– good job!

Try to incorporate more cohesive devices such as ‘moreover’, ‘further’, ‘furthermore’ wherever possible. These are also better than ‘also’ and are especially good for introducing new paragraphs or ideas.

Please note that the part with ‘corresponding figures’ does not make sense and hampers your coherence as well.

• Lexical resource – Well done

As such the vocabulary is good, you have used wide-ranged and distinctive vocabulary – good work! Please note the comments on using sophisticated vocabulary.

• Grammar & Accuracy – Very Good

A good variety of structures is used with simple and complex sentences with some grammatical errors. Please note comments on unclear/ awkward structures. Also note the usage of ‘both’ and ‘visit’ (verb).

Overall, this task deserves a band 7.5 – good work!