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 恭喜许秋池，张婧攻克雅思4个7 

恭喜墨尔本无忧雅思学员许秋池在2月1日的考试中取得 听力8 阅读7 写作7 口语7 总分7.5 的好成绩，成功与“雅思君”分手！~上完课程后的消化和练习真的很重要，明了正确的写法，加以数篇文章的练习，7分其实并没那么遥远！~

恭喜墨尔本无忧雅思7分班学员张婧在1月25日的考试中取得 听力9，阅读7，写作7.5，口语8.5，总分8 的好成绩，高分通过4个7！~ 通过10天的强化训练，外加自己的练习+努力，写作从6.5直接到7.5，可见正确的文章逻辑结构多么重要！

【雅思写作批改范文】

Some people think ALL  young people should be required to have full time education until they are at least 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

ALL: This is the key word in the questionof last weeks’ test. You shouldn’t miss that.

It is widely believed that it is necessary for youngsters to study full time in school until aged 18  . I agree with this view, and there are some befits  I would like to point out.

aged 18: 18 years old

befits: benefits

To begin with, it might be true that young people have their rights to decide whether they want to continue their study after finishing secondary school . They already have basic knowledge to be employed, their practical skills could be trained during the course ofworking, such as communication skills. This is why it is not necessary to force people who are under 18 years old to study full time. – Your idea in this paragraph is really hard to follow.

 []: this is completely off the topic –after secondary school, means they are older than 18 – this question is aboutunder 18.

However, there are some benefits if young people choose to study full time until 18 years old. Firstly, full time students have more time to focus on their study, compared to those who need to work and study at the same time. They are likely to devote their time and energy into subjects offered by schools. Also, they could receive a comprehensive training program, which could prepare them better before entering workforce. Secondary, people who are under 18 years old are not mature enough to work, and this could put them into disadvantaged situations. For instance, they are asked to work at labor-intensive tasks with a low pay.

[]:The question isn’t about ask them towork – it’s about force all young people to study full time, you can’t focus on“work”, but you might discuss that it could prevent them from some consequencesresults of study part-time – counterargument.

In my view, it would be helpful for young people to do some practical work under the supervision of their teachers. Educational institution should encourage students to work in the fields related to their study on condition that students’ safety can be ensured and their working rights are fully protected.

[]:  This is complete off the topic.

In conclusion, receiving full time education is necessary for students who are aged 18 or under because it could help them prepare for the future better.

 【51ielts Writing Marker Comments】

TR:
You should only answer the question in front of you. It asks “To what extent do you agree or disagree” and you make it clear in your introduction that you agree with the statement, although your statement isn’t clear, because you don’t fully understand the question. Anyway, you should write ideas in your body paragraphs to defend your opinion. In this case, you should think of some ideas why we should force all teenagers study full time until they are 18.
The idea in your 2nd paragraph is about we shouldn’t force them to study full time until 18 – this means you don’t have a “throughout response”
Your second idea in your 3rd paragraph is about why they shouldn’t work before 18 – this is completely off the topic
The whole 4th paragraph is about what we should do to encourage, guide and protect students to work – again, completely off the topic.
You won’t get higher than 6 in TR. It’s just simply you didn’t answer the question.

CC:
You will also get a lower score in CC (less than 6)
There is no clear progression in your essay. there is no logical flow and illustration of your ideas. In other words, readers can’t understand your ideas, even read twice.
You also don’t have an appropriate paragraphing – you should have one and only one clear central idea per paragraph. Clearly, there is no central idea in your 2nd paragraph and you try to give two ideas in the 3rd paragraph.
The linking devices used in your essay are very basic.

Make sure avoid the problems I pointed above then I would try to help you with your language.
Please rewrite this essay, and I want to make sure you understand how to develop a well-structured essay before sending me any new essays.

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