文 | lanlan
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无论是传统的媒人和婚介所，还是更时尚的婚介网站和相亲节目，“拉郎配”素来是中国人民非常热衷的一项活动。
▲上海人民公园“相亲角”
▲真人秀“中国式相亲”
曾经很长一段时间里，主页君一直以为只有中国（或者亚洲国家）才有“相亲”这回事，而西方人民都是自由恋爱、自由分分合合，想结婚就结想离婚就离，一切随缘。
直到这两年陆陆续续围观了一些国外的相亲节目，才发现我真是太天真了……
而且，和咱们的相亲节目比起来，西方国家的那可就重口味得多了……
有男男女女一上节目就一丝不挂的——
▲美国相亲秀Dating Naked
有根据你的喜好，给你找8个几乎一模一样的梦中情人的——
▲英国相亲秀Game of Clones
……这尺度，这脑洞，不服不行啊！
不过，虽然人家的相亲节目溜到飞起，但有机会上电视的单身汪毕竟是极少数不是么？
其他的广大未婚男女青年，难不成就真靠各种party去撩妹/汉了吗？
老外的婚介所真坑爹！
这年头，连相对含蓄保守的中国人都热衷用社交软件，老外们没理由不靠社交软件来找对象。
Tinder之类的dating app有多风靡呢？前段时间，咱们报社的一枚韩国实习生妹纸，就在实习之余用Tinder约到了不少中国男生。
虽然……她的约会经历并不怎么开心……
因为“约会”地点在医院里
——
There began our first date, en route to the hospital, in complete awkward silence. Thanks to an English-Chinese dictionary app, we previously were able to communicate freely on WeChat. But in reality my poor Putonghua and his limited English prevented us from carrying on any type of conversation.
▲How my visit to a Chinese hospital became a Tinder date (via Global Times)
韩国妹纸生病了，Tinder上的男生倒是很热心地愿意陪她去医院，但由于两人语言不是很通，结果病也没看好，会也没约好，两头都心塞……
更何况，无论是Tinder之类的约会app，还是诸如Match, eHarmony等比较老牌的婚介网站，隔着手机/电脑屏幕就跟隔了一个次元似的，任何交流都得从最老套的“网络聊天”开始，让人很难擦出什么火花来。（约X另当别论
）
于是乎，在网络愈发普及的现在，反而有越来越多的人选择回归传统的找对象方式——通过婚介所。
就连老外，自然也不例外。
国外的婚介所长啥样呢？
在google中输入关键词 “matchmaking agency”，倒是可以看到不少的信息——
毫无疑问，全是各家婚介所的广告。
随手点进去一个围观下——
下面还有句这样的广告语：
嗯，还挺经典
再点另一个围观下——
嗯，这个号称是英国的“leading traditional matchmaker”，这页面的风格果然十分传统啊……
这logo就更传统了——
一种迷之英国议会的气息
在网站里，这家婚介所介绍了自己是如何撮合单身汪的——
We meet you in person which means that you have the chance to talk about the sort of person you would like to meet – and the issues that are important to you. We also need to learn as much as we can about your lifestyle, interests, passions and aspirations. → 线下约见单身汪，了解对方的情况和需求
We draw up a concise, skilfully-worded profile of you and the type of person you are seeking, whilst always trying to provide you with a full and honest assessment. Throughout your membership your anonymity is protected. → 为单身汪搞个简历，再推荐其他单身汪的简历给ta
The decision to meet any of our members is entirely yours, although we will guide and advise. As we have met each person, this gives you a unique advantage and we are always available to talk to you during reasonable hours. → 给单身汪推荐合适的人选，进行线下见面约会
There are no hidden charges with any of our memberships. → 无任何隐藏消费哟亲~
(via thecountyregister.com)
说得倒是挺好听的，但其实英国媒体关于“婚介所的隐藏消费真坑爹”一类的报道可海了去了。
什么“当饭店酒吧的托”啦，什么“不交钱就不能见到更多人”啦，什么“给你安排的对象都是假对象”啦，和国内某些黑心婚介所的套路是一样一样儿的。
(via The Telegraph)
所以说，即使婚介所的介绍写得再天花乱坠，某些骗人的伎俩和套路依然少不了。
甭以为国内的婚介所才会有这种幺蛾子，忽悠界的海外军团同样很强大。
下面呢，咱们就来说一个被婚介所坑得泪流满面的英国妹纸的故事——
▲Alex Fontaine
这个妹纸名叫方丹(Fontaine)，年龄不算小，已经44岁了。
虽然单身，但事业有成，方丹就和其他许多西方职场女性一样，生活独立充实，一个人过得也挺好，也没有七大姑八大姨成天催婚。
但是，方丹自己想找个伴了嘛~
于是，她先尝试了现在更流行的相亲网站和app，结果均以失败告终。于是，妹纸决定回归“传统”：找了家婚介所，老老实实交了“会员费”。
会员费还挺不便宜——
Having tried internet dating and found it too hit-and-miss, she turned to one of the new breed of ‘boutique’ dating clubs, promising a bespoke service for busy high-flyers.
The businesswoman was happy to pay a hefty joining fee of £690 – in addition to a monthly subscription of £90 – because she was promised dates with only the most eligible men.
▲The 'boutique' dating agency promised I'd meet eligible high-flyers... (via Daily Mail)
注册就要交6000块，每个月还要另附近800块的订阅费……
不过呢，方丹觉得自己这钱花得还是值的。毕竟这家名叫Elect Club的婚介所不仅名字高大上（“精英俱乐部”），还号称有着“伦敦最大的单身汪数据库”，不少单身汪还是企业家或者商界领袖，名副其实的精英人群。
▲Elect Club的网站截图
注册好之后，这家婚介所就联系方丹去“面谈”了。让她有点小意外的是，这家婚介所的地址竟然不在伦敦城区里，而是在一个郊区的犄角旮旯上。
不过她也没太放在心上，于是就真跑去婚介所面谈了。
婚介所里一个妹纸接待了她，问了她一大堆问题。好不容易被拷问完，方丹问她：你们这都有些什么样的汉子啊？
结果对方直接说：根据你刚才回答问题的情况，我们已经有两个人选推荐给你啦！一个叫韦恩，一个叫蒂姆！
这效率也是没谁了
——
‘I asked her about the sort of men they had on their books and she told me she had two men immediately in mind for me. One was called Wayne, the other Tim. I asked specifically if these men were looking for a quick fling or a long-term relationship and she said, “If they’re paying upwards of £500 for membership, then they’re looking for a relationship.” ’
好吧……既然这俩汉子都是也老老实实交了会费的，估计他们也是诚心想找对象吧？
怀着这种“世上总还是好人多”的心理，方丹也把自己要交的会费正式打到了这家婚介所的卡上。
结果钱刚转过去，对方就告诉了她一个“噩耗”——
Reassured by this, Ms Fontaine agreed to join. She was sent an email with the terms and conditions and transferred her membership fee into the company’s bank account.
She then enquired about meeting Tim but was told that he was now in a relationship and had come off their books.
得，蒂姆已经有对象了……
——可老娘刚才还没交钱时你怎么不说！！
好吧，这个蒂姆已经没戏了。但不是还有个名叫韦恩的备选人么？
结果这回更搞笑，婚介所居然告诉她，韦恩之前因为“品行不端”，已经被婚介所给踢掉了——
Wayne wanted to meet her. She was given his email address and sent him a message. But she heard nothing back.
‘I rang to ask what had happened and they said Wayne had been dismissed for inappropriate behaviour.’
……方丹都快哭了好么！
刚才你们信誓旦旦把这俩人推荐给我，安的什么心？！
可是再怎么抱怨，毕竟会费已经交了啊。方丹只能自认倒霉，恳请婚介所赶紧给她介绍其他的靠谱汉子，别再整幺蛾子了……
婚介所呢，也就真给她介绍了个“靠谱汉子”——56岁。波斯人。离异。在金融行业工作。最近改过名字。有一系列罚款记录。
这看起来是在是有些奇葩啊……
然而方丹忍了，耐着性子给对方发邮件“聊天”。
结果才在邮件里问了对方具体是做什么工作的，以及离婚多久了，汉子就直接向婚介所投诉了她，说她问了太多“个人隐私的问题”……
看到这里已经一肚子槽点了有木有！
可是方丹居然还没对这奇葩的婚介所死心——毕竟，那么多钱已经交了，目前连一个汉子的面都还没见到过，这怎么甘心？！
于是这回，婚介所又给她介绍了一个叫特里的汉子。
特里50来岁，IT从业者。
方丹本来不想去见，但她还是鼓起勇气说服了自己——
She was offered another introduction, this time to an IT worker called Terry, who was in his 50s and from Pinner. She says: ‘I thought I had better play ball and go along on at least one date, otherwise they would say I hadn’t tried.’
就这样，抱着“好歹去见一面”的心情，方丹和特里约在了一个广场见面。
而这个特里，从地铁站里钻了出来，穿着一件夹克衫，背着个帆布包，完全没有婚介所号称的“都市精英”的气质——
They met at Sloane Square, in Chelsea, where Terry emerged from the Underground station wearing an anorak and carrying a rucksack. He informed her that although he did have a car, he couldn’t afford to run it. He was hardly the City slicker Elect were promising.
Ms Fontaine says: ‘Poor Terry. He was such a nice guy, a really decent bloke, but it was a total mismatch.
‘He kept going on about his boating holiday on the Thames. I prefer St Tropez. As we walked down the King’s Road, me with my designer handbag and Terry with his rucksack, I just thought, “So much for the neuro- linguistic programming.” ’
上面这两段方丹的话非常有意思。小伙伴们不妨细读一下，或许能联想到不少似曾相识的场景。
悲催的方丹心里想，啊……好吧，就当是一次并不成功的blind date罢了。也没什么大不了的。
结果接下来的事，更让她大吃一惊。
她渐渐发现，这很可能远远不止“一次不成功的相亲”那么简单。
这甚至是一场骗局——
But there was worse to come. Over pizza, Ms Fontaine discovered that Terry wasn’t a paying member of Elect.
‘He said he had had a call from them inviting him to come to some events. He had been a member of a dating agency in Gerrard’s Cross in Buckinghamshire that had shut down and Elect had bought it.They had taken its members on to their books.
‘Most of them can’t even have been based in London. It meant that I was being sent to meet people who were a million miles from what I had been promised.’
……特里根本不是婚介所的正式会员！
他只是在另一家婚介所注册过，结果那家倒闭了，被方丹所在的Elect Club收购了。就这样，这家婚介所把那家倒闭的会员资源“打包”了过来，随手拿了一个过来应付了方丹。
而这些汉子甚至还不在伦敦本地，都不造是从哪个地方临时赶过来“约会”的……
方丹气得无话可说，直接投诉了婚介所。结果婚介所也很无辜啊，人家说：哎呀我们把你的资料发给很多男士了，可是没有人愿意和你匹配啊，我们也没办法啊~~
方丹想拿回自己的会员费，自然也是不可能的。
钱也花了，时间和精力也浪费了，白白一番折腾，还破坏了心情。
……这婚介所，还真是坑得一塌糊涂啊！
