无忧雅思学员7-7.5分高分范文

This bar chart compares the proportion of male and female teachers in six types of educational institutions, namely nursery/preschool, primary school, secondary school, college, private training institute and university, in Britain in 2010.

Overall, women predominated in early-child teaching settings while men held a larger share in the teaching role in higher education institutes.

Female teachers played a predominated① role in nursery/pre-school and primary school. Nearly 95% of teachers were women in nursery/pre-school, where② only about 5% of teachers were men. Similarly, females accounted for almost 90% teachers in primary school, which was about 9times as many as males. 

[①: predominated→ predominant, dominant – more distinctive vocabulary to avoid repetition of ‘predominant’. Also, it is always ‘…played a predominant role’ or it could be ‘teachers predominated’. ②: where → whereas]

Moreover①, more② equal percentages of male and female teachers were found at secondary school and college. There were about 55% women and 45% men teaching in secondary schools, while Tthe percentages of teachers in both genders were the same in college③. 

[①: Enhances cohesion; Cohesive devices such as moreover / additionally/ furthermore. etc., would enhance cohesion and structure.②: ‘more’ is a comparative, i.e., it is used as a comparison between 2 or more things. Thus, it is always ‘more than’. ③: This sounds very report like and the structure is too simple. Combine the two sentences to enhance the structure and cohesion.]

However①, Mmales held higher proportions of teachers in private training institute and university. About 55% teachers were men while 45% of those were women. The figure for university was more evident with nearly 70% male lecturers. 

[①: Enhances cohesion;②:of those→of them; Unclear subject. Does ‘those’ refer to teachers or to teachers that were men.]

Feedback –

• Word Count:179 words, minimum required 150

This word count is appropriate – good work! Always keep your word limit from 150 -180. 

• Task Response – Well done

You have reported all of the important results – good work. 

• Coherance & Cohesion – Very Good 

You have made some good use of some cohesive devices and your ideas flow in a logical order in general– good job! Try to incorporate more cohesive devices such as ‘moreover’/ ‘furthermore’ / ‘in addition’ as well as ‘however,’/ ‘on the other hand’. These are especially useful for beginning new paragraphs or introducing new ideas.

• Lexical resource – Very Good – Well done

As such the vocabulary is very good, you have used wide-ranged and flexible vocabulary – good work! Please note the usage of ‘predominant’ and ‘predominated’. Also, note the comment on distinctive vocabulary.

• Grammar & Accuracy – Very Good – well done

A good variety of structures is used with simple and complex sentences with only a few grammatical errors. Be careful with your simple structures and unclear subjects. 

Overall, this task deserves a band 7-7.5 – good work!