1. Lie: “This apartment is HUGE!”
Truth:
I know you beggared yourself getting the broker’s fee for this studio so I’m not going to kick you while you’re down.
2. Lie: “I’ve heard good things about this place.”
Truth:
Four stars on Yelp, can’t be that bad.
3. Lie: “The name sounds familiar. Yeah, I think I follow them on Twitter.”
Truth:
Who the eff is that? Oh god am I irrelevant?
4. Lie: “My place is really close to the subway.”
Truth:
My place is twenty minutes from the subway, somewhere on 1st Ave. I’m so sorry. I just wanted you to come over. I don’t want to be alone.
5. Lie: "Ew, I never go to Murray Hill."
Truth:
There MAY be a few bartenders on 33rd St. who know me by name but I only end up there at the end of the night when I’m meeting friends I swear.
6. Lie: "I live in Williamsburg."
Truth:
I live in Flatbush
7. Lie: "We should totally go to Coney Island."
Truth:
I only went there once, and it was for the hot dogs.
8. Lie: "It takes me 30 minutes to get to work."
Truth:
It takes me 45 minutes to an hour to get to work and yet, I resolve myself to being 15 minutes late every day.
9. Lie: It's really convenient if you take the bus.
Truth:
The bus is never convenient.
10. Lie: I'd LOVE to go to Magnolia with you and your cousin from Wisconsin.
Truth:
I’m going to make you buy my drinks for a week if you make me go to Magnolia, I swear to god.
11. Lie: "I'm a Carrie!"
Truth:
I’m a Miranda.
12. Lie: "I can get away with wearing these heels all day."
Truth:
Maybe if I were rich and could take town cars everywhere I could last all day but I WALK and MY FEET HURT.
13. Lie: "I hate it when people Instagram their food."
Truth:
I paid 60 bucks for this prix fixe, I’m hashtagging the shit out of these petit fours.
14. Lie: "This place has the best bagels."
Truth:
This place has the best bagels. The place next door has the best bagels. Everyone has the best bagels. They’re just bagels.
15. Lie: "I'm fine, how are you?"
Truth: *SCREAMS INTERNALLY*
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