In this day and age, some people prefer① to offer direct help to people or their local community②. Conversely, other people tend to provide financial support to national and international organisations③. As a personal opinion, I agree with both contentions, but for very different reasons.

[①: This comparative word but this is not a comparative sentence; ②: Need to re-structure → ‘Some people like to help the community by directly assisting…;  ③: ‘organisations as a way to help’.]

On the one hand, an increasing number of people① decide to do voluntary work in their community② so that they can help people around them, which make③ them feel fulfilled. This is because they can make their own contributions to society by offering free help, such as cooking for homeless people. For instance, students in China are required to do certain kind④ of unpaid work⑤ in the area where they live during school holidays. It is more realistic for students to do some voluntary work⑥, instead of donating money as they are not able to earn any⑦ yet. On top of this, it is such a practical way to cultivate students to be responsible individuals. 

[①: there are many people who…; ②: a comma is needed here; ③: make → makes; ④: kind → kinds; ⑤: examples?; ⑥: More specific examples?; ⑦: any → any money; ]

On the other hand, it is easy and convenient for people to donate money to all kinds of charities as well as organisations① around the world to help others. This is because people who have the ability to provide sufficient financial support do not have time to provide aids in person. Accordingly, they content that it is better to leave the money with people who are more professional in the field, such as volunteers who are teaching English in South Africa supported by international organisations②.

[①: For example?; ②: Examples?]

All in all, both ways are effective to offer support to people who are suffering from poverty or disease. From my own perspective, however, the method that people choose to help depend① on their own position and ability. 

[①: depend → depends]

Word Count is appropriate. 

Task Achievement – Very Good 

This response again addresses all parts of the task and presents a relevant position throughout however not all arguments are supported with enough detailed examples. You need to explain as much as you can with supporting information or your ideas can appear too generalised. For example , to show your knowledge on the topic mention organisations that help volunteer money and time Red Cross, salvation army etc. 

Coherence & Cohesion – Very Good to Well Done

Paragraphs are well introduced for cohesion. Again, information is arranged appropriately and there is a clear progression throughout. Some good use of cohesive devices have been used to very good.

Lexical Resource – Very Good  

The vocabulary used is sufficient for the task showing your knowledge of the topic however, there could be better academic choices for some words. i.e money →finances, funds etc.

Grammar & Accuracy – Very Good 

Again, you have many error free sentences which show good control of simple and complex sentences. However you need to show more variety in your structures. For example:  passives, etc.