雅思考官作文批改范文
TOPIC：
Young people are important resources to their country, but the governments may ignore some problems faced by young people in running the country. In your experience, what does the government need to do to support or help young people? (please note this topic has been mis-remembered by the person taking the test. The real topic would probably not say 'in your experience' )
Identify these problems and give your idea or suggestion to solve the issue.
学生作文正文：
Young people are facing new problems nowadays (better than nothing, but not a great paraphrase. You could say 'Some of the issues confronting young people include...'), including employment, education and housing. It is imperative to pinpoint and combat these problems, as young people are precious resources of their country.
(first paragraph should include an overview; ie telling the reader what points you are going to make in the rest of the essay. It should be a one sentence summary of the body of the essay)
There are generally three main issues faced by the young adults in recent years.(this sentence should be in the introduction) The main problem is that the economic crisis has caused a lot of joblessness. The Economist has recently calculated that, almost 290 million young people are neither in work nor studying, that is almost one quarter of the planet’s youth (this figure sounnds made up. Do not do that). To solve this problem, governments may encourage more investors to establish businesses to create more employment opportunities. This can be achieved by making small companies easier to get their licences or by allowing shops to stay open in the evening.
(In the second place ), (better to say 'a related problem' since this problem affects the first problem) the knowledge acquired from universities is often too academic for young people to apply in the workplace. Accordingly, education providers should cooperate with companies to offer students apprenticeship and training to match their skills with the labour market.
Lastly, younger generations are paying a higher price for their accommodation. According to a TED talk given by Yang Lan (who is Yang Lan? It might be interestinng to tell the examiner), (with the skyrocketing price of real estate, young people in China nowadays have to work for 30 to 40 years to afford their first apartment). (On this occasion), (not actually wrong, just awkward) it would be sensible to suggest that policies be formulated to curb property speculation, or to privilege the first-house buyers. This can be regulated by raising higher property tax from those who (are) is buying their second or third property.
In conclusion, the possible measurements mentioned above are a few of the many that can help (the ) young people and regain their confidence. More detailed research should still be carried out to effectively implement these measurements.
考官点评：
TA: 6-7 – you answer the question clearly and thoughfully, but you really need a clear overview. It's not compulsory to put it in the first para but it's a good idea. With an overview – 7. The statistic in para 2 looks like you made it up. If so, don't do this. Don't use research from the net in these practice essays – you can't do that in the test. Making up stats counts against you in the test and is annoying to the examiners who know you're lying.
CC: 7 – you have one idea per paragraph, which is great and some nice linking words like 'accordingly'. Keep trying to link paragraphs and sentences with things like 'given this' or 'in addition to unemployment, young people are faced with.....'
LR: 6 –7 nothing wrong, but a bit formal and text bookish. You need some expressions which are more natural. Have a look in some newspaper articles on a similar issue.
GRA: 7 at least – very accurate and a good deal of complexity.
( ) means my comments
( ) means what I think you should write
( ) means take this out.
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